Goobers for Dummies

I’ve decided to start a new series of nonfiction books. They’ll be similar to the “For Dummies” and “Complete Idiot’s Guide” books, but these will be “For The Complete Goober”. Each one will feature a picture of our youngest cat, Monkey, more affectionately (?) known as Goober.

If someone had invented an instant-replay for real life with still-frame-capture option, we would already have all the cover art we would ever need.

Personal Finance for the Complete Goober: Checkbook balancing, budgeting, document-gnawing, and sticking your stinky butt in people’s faces when they try to pay bills. Cover photo: picture of Monkey lying on top of the checkbook, gnawing on Jennie’s pen, with his tail knocking the stack of bills off the bed.

Bartending for the Complete Goober: Mixed drinks, shots, and bathroom faucets. Cover photo: picture of Monkey sitting on the edge of the bathtub, his paws wrapped around the water faucet, hanging half-upside-down from said faucet, trying to catch the drips, while the shower is running. Bonus back-cover photo: Monkey with a punk hairdo.

Cooking for the Complete Goober: Simple dishes, food-handling tips, and advice on when it’s better to jump on top of the stove vs. flopping around on the floor biting people’s ankles. Cover photo: picture of Jennie bent down to get a pizza out of the oven, with Monkey standing on her back.

Gardening for the Complete Goober: Perennials, biennials, and gnaw-ennials, featuring advice on exactly how much of the plant you can eat without getting locked in the bathroom. Cover photo: picture of Monkey, curled up inside a large pot, lying on top of a bag of potting soil.

Jogging for the Complete Goober: Tips for staying cool, how to hit your target heart rate, and how to obtain maximum complaining volume when Mom is carrying you the half-mile back home in a pillowcase. Cover photo: time-lapse photo of a monkey-colored blur crossing the street and tearing through the park, with a Jennie-colored blur (carrying a pillowcase) in hot pursuit.

Package Delivery for the Complete Goober: Overview of different carriers, insurance options, etc., along with instructions on how to escape from the house so you can steal the UPS truck. Cover photo: picture of Monkey sitting behind the steering wheel of the UPS truck, trying to find the ignition.

Homeland Security for the Complete Goober: How to keep your siblings in a constant state of fear, without getting kicked off the bed too often. Cover photo: picture of Monkey lying spread-eagled on top of Stefan, while Stefan cranes his neck backwards to wash Monkey’s ears.

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